5 Surefire Ways to Make Your Customers Hate Your Brand
When it comes to our online and mobile experience as customers it sometimes seems as if some companies are trying really hard to make us hate them.
Perhaps some companies have a mission statement that reads:
We aim to be a multinational corporation dedicated to provide products, user experience and services of such bad quality that our customers will hate our employees, our brands and our company.
Of course no company actually create that mission statement, but some unconsciously drift toward that result. What do these companies do that you should avoid at all costs?
Here are 5 examples of horrifying practices that companies use to drive away customers, revenue and their future.
Ensure terrible mobile user experience
By all means do not create a pleasant mobile experience when a lot of customers visit you using a mobile device. It is obvious that customers enjoy seeing a tiny version of your site on their mobile screens. The more they have to scroll and zoom, the better it is when it comes to brand hating. And don’t even dare peeking at responsive design.
One of the best ways to get rid of customers is by having many drop down menus, because in general they are not optimized for mobile devices. It’s a great way to force customers into not buying your products. Quite possible the best way to make customers hate your site is by employing very large pop-up banners that cannot be skipped on a mobile device. The best pay off? People click on the banner, which makes you earn some cash and the customer is gone!
Make your site super slow
Visitors to your site are lazy. After all, they are just wasting their time on the internet, so it best to help them by making sure your site is one of the slowest around. When people arrive at your site you may want to show them a long video banner that can’t be skipped. Nothing is better than capturing the attention of your visitors right? Also, make sure that there are many large (web)files that have to be loaded and combine that with unnecessarily complex coding. Add many iframes, redirects, 404 messages, bulk css, etc. Asking a visitor to install all kinds of plugins is a hoot as well. Whatever it takes, implement whatever you need to increase loading times for every page you have.
Click, Click, Click, Click, Click, etc
You know what people really like? Clicking! People love it when it takes ages to complete a purchase. Set up your site in such a way that every interaction requires a new page to open. That will start the clicking fever! A great way to make sure customers leave without making a purchase is by stretching out the payment process as much as possible. Ask them to fill out long questionnaires, tick boxes, enter more private details etc. The trick is again to spread this out over many pages that take ages to load. Use Google Analytics to see where your conversion funnel has a high conversion rate. That is where you need to invest resources to make sure that the dreaded conversion rate goes down and your consumer hatred rate goes up!
Now, if people, for whatever reason, complete all these steps and are ready to confirm their payment, make sure that this page loads very, very slowly. Lure people into hitting the refresh button and get ready to collect the payment twice! Do not try to implement ways to negate the refresh action and certainly do not warn them! After all that wouldn’t make people hate your brand.
Is there a better way to make people hate your brand than through customer service? Some tips to get you started: Never respond the first time customers contact you. They are probably stupid and don’t know how to use your products. Let them figure things out themselves. If they are persistent and keep on contacting your company create a ticket and send them an email with only the ticket number and no further explanation. It may be a good idea to only have a web form and no other forms of contact, because it is easy to ignore a web form. After all, you have already made it clear to customers that you are not very keen on being contacted.
Wait about 3 weeks before replying to a customer. Make sure to spell the name of the customer incorrectly, use the wrong ticket number and, if applicable, implement automated email creators that can create chunks of pre-written text. It is of great importance to respond in an impersonal and unified way to every customer. Do not address the customer’s issue initially and always insert a bit of random text.
Ignore requests to cancel a subscription
If you like making easy money, subscriptions are a pretty sweet way to do it. There are various ways to lure people into signing up for a subscription, but once you have them, don’t let them go. No, seriously, don’t let them get away. A great way to get new customers is by offering a free trial period. In order to sign up for it all the customer has to do is provide a few payment details in case the customer wants to avail of the service and pay in monthly installments without interruption. Of course you’ll tell them that they have 30 days to try it and they can cancel it for free within those 30 days. What you don’t tell them is that you won’t cancel their subscription, ever. You just gave them one month for free, but now the fish are in the barrel. Sweet times ahead!